Sunday, July 12, 2009

Response to Maybe Men Are Not the Problem

I would give the article more credit if it were titled more appropriately, Sometimes Men Are Not The Problem. That is a true statement. Sometimes men are not the problem. But to say, Maybe Men Are Not the Problem is to absolve black men of any of the issues plaguing the black community, which is in line with what most like to do anyway, which is not to accept responsibility for anything, they simply want all of the praise, which is not the way life works so they need to get over it.

The author lists 5 primary reasons why they feel no one, especially black men want a black woman: too indepedent, the femist got us, non domestic, bad sex and down right fat.

I will admit that many sisters, if not most have taken this whole miss independent thing to another level. There is nothing wrong with being able to do for self; however, you can't be overbearing with it. When someone hear a woman say, "I don't need a man", please know that woman is lying. She's only saying that because she doesn't have one (man) and she needs to make herself feel better about it. It's like ugly people saying looks doesn't matter or fat people saying men like their plus sizes and calling themselves BBW or poor people saying we don't have food, shelter or clothes but we have love! It's all a lie to make themselves feel better and to sleep well at night. So if you know those folks are crazy and bitter, why pay attention to them? It's like brothers that complain about the man holding them down and "won't let me work". You have to say, no, it's about your ass not having a high school diploma, felonies on your police record and you just being lazy. But hey, why argue with those fools?

Being independent is a double edged sword for black women. For those of us with corporate positions, you have to be strong and assertive in the work place, like many black men with corporate positions, and because we have a lot more at stake with less room to error than our white counterparts. However, women have to remember to take off the power suit when they arrive home and not be so domineering but to allow the man to take the lead. I tell women all the time, submission is not a bad word. I look forward to finding the man that I can submit to, who can take some of this pressure off me and allow me to be pampered and treated like a Princess. And I think most women would love that however, we can't always do that with black men. let's keep it real, many, not all, but many black men simply aren't in the position to take the lead on much of anything. Therefore, someone is always having to take the lead for them. Too many black men don't graduate high school or get themselves in positions that will make it difficult to find work. And even if they can find some kind of job, 1/3 of their check got to go to babies that they've made outside the home. I mean, come on. I'm not submitting to that crap. He's proven that he can't make wise decisions. I wouldn't even be with someone like that but many black women do because of the lack of truly quality black men. And of the black men that have made better decisions and got their stuff together, well you can't tell them anything because they know they are a rare breed and instead of giving back and helping younger brothers get there and really doing something to improve the black community, they just want to know how many women they can get to fight over them, who they can bed and "wow, look at me, I don't even have to get a black woman, I can get a white woman or an international lover, now I'm really a man!" WHATEVER. Men are just as much the problem with too independent women as the independent women are themselves.

As for being a feminist, no group of women has embraced this more than white women and that's the truth. However, just like my point above, white men and men of other nationalities groom themselves to someday be a husband and the bread winner of the family, while too many black men simply don't have this kind of leadership. They don't prepare themselves. Like much in life, if you don't prepare for it, you have to take whatever is handed to you. That's obvious in many of the roles that black men have taken. White women and others have men at home to help carry their burden, but black women, because they choose to primarily love black men, simply don't have this luxury. Unlike black men, black women know they have to adapt to the hand they are dealt.

I always hear men complain about the domestic skills of the younger generation of women. Like the author said, they can't cook like the mothers or grandmothers generations ago. Well, I would like to add, again, black men aren't keeping up to their end of the bargain either. Black men have lost the hands on skills of their fathers and grandfathers. So many black men can't even change the oil in their cars. If they can change the oil, that's all they can do, maybe that and a tire. Other than that, they are clueless. And forget about fixing anything that's broken down around the house. They simply don't have the skills. Do you know how much money a young couple could save if men know how to do the basic maintenance on a car or up keep around the house? Not black men. Tell the author this, more women may be willing to be Betty Crocker but trust and believe, they will only do it for Mr. Goodwrench.

Please don't get me started on sex. Of all the women that I know that have had sex with men of other nationalities, and I know quite a few because the more educated women aren't as loyal to brothers as brothers like to think, WE all say the same thing, black men are the worst lovers out of the bunch. It is not a secret, when a black man gets into bed with a woman it's about getting HIS. When other men get into bed with women, especially white men, it's about pleasing their partners. Seriously. Black men are always so busy focusing on "their big black dicks"humping up and down on someone like a freaking jackhammer. They know nothing about stroking the kitty but they all think they do. And not all black men have big dicks. I thought that I would throw that one out there for good measure because black men love believing that STEREOTYPE. When these other women get with black men, white or international, they don't think they want to be with a black man because black men are known to be good providers, kind, considerate, INTELLIGENT or any other positive attributes one would seek in a mate. They initially hook up with them because they think they have big dicks and the women want to get fu*k really good. That's it. They want to feel rebellious and like Mandingo going to protect them. So negros need to get over themselves. Over time that brother may prove themselves to these women and they end up together but trust, he's proven himself to those women in ways that he hasn't with a black woman. The author even specifically mentioned black women not liking to perform oral sex on a man, every black woman I know, with the exception of 1 does it. Black men for years were known not to perform oral sex on a woman. I bet they do it for those white ones. It's simply something in black culture that taught such acts were nasty. I say all of thi to say, black men are also known not to be good lovers, just big dicks and many women mistakenly think big dicks equal greater pleasure but us intelligent women know that's not true.

And now on to the fat girls. I will admit there are a lot of fat black women. We need to work harder as a group to maintain our figures. Too many black women think if they dress up the fat really good, with a nice outfit, it's Ok, but it's not. They need to quit eating that soul food that the author mentioned earlier and go to the gym. They need to stop these crazy looking weaves and these other ghetto hairstyles while they are at it because it's simply not cute. However, I must address that being overweight is more of an socio-economic issues than a racial issue. There may be more overweight blacks than other groups because more blacks are on the lower end of the socio-economic scale than other groups. Recent reports just came out listing the fattest states and regions in this country. The south was listed at the top of the list with MS and AL at 1 & 2. They are also among the poorest states in the union. Rural areas tend to have more over weight people and rural areas tend to have more living in poverty than cities and suburbs. When you go to those places, you can see plenty of fat white and blacks walking around. And just so I can point it out, I don't think the author would have even notice this because he's so biased, there, you also have more fat women then men. How many times when looking in rural south do you see the fat white woman and the skinny white man? The same with blacks. In inner cities, you see more fat blacks because many blacks in the inner city are poor and simply don't have or maybe even want the education and resources to do better for themselves. So I say all of this to say, yes, black women need to step up with taking care of themselves but it's more than just "black women are fat".

In conclusion, this author presents no solutions in making things better for the black community overall and only points fingers and assess blame. This method has proven over time not to create any kind of positive change. The author has a very skewed view of looking at the world and I would suggest that he get out more. Most of us are skewed by our own experiences and how we see things but we have to work hard at getting out of that mindset and truly see what's going on underneath the surface problems. I would be interested in hearing his suggestions if he had any to truly help the black people. Not because I think they are valid, just like hearing how the other half thinks.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Maybe Men Are Not the Problem

Marriage rates within the African-American community have declined substantially since the 1950s. In 1958, roughly 80% of Black families with children were headed by a married husband and wife. Today, less than 45% of Black families with children are headed by a married couple.

The conventional wisdom about the decline in marriage was focused on allegedly commitment-phobic men. However, maybe there are other issues specifically related to modern African-American women that are responsible for the decline. Issues like American Black women's insistence on being independent - and independent to a fault - rather than their being more open to being partners in long-term, healthy, "inter-dependent" relationships with their men. In addition, Black American women's passive acceptance of feminists ideas that narrowly focused them on the hot pursuit of careers and credentials moreso than on having a more balanced life that included husbands, children, and careers.

And, finally, the socialization of American Black women that promoted an indignation toward, and indifference to, and a lack of desire to develop domestic skills that would have them cooking for, catering to, and maintaining a meticulous home for a potential husband and children. One sign of the times is that many American Black women are learning how to cook and maintain a home as adults because their "independent", "don't-need-a-man" mothers reared them without requiring them to learn "homemaking" skills as teen girls.
And, some even taught their daughters to have disdain for men who would even expect such from a wife or girlfriend. Not a helpful thing to do if a culture wants it's women to find and keep good husbands.

So now, on holidays such as Thanksgiving, women in their 20s, 30s, and above are calling on their grandmothers and great aunts to learn how to cook turkey, candied yams, cornbread dressing, collard greens, sweet potate pie, and holiday cakes from scratch because their men want some good home cooking like they received from their mothers, grandmothers, and aunts. And, the lack of domesticity in regards to American Black women has not been limited to the kitchen; it has also shown up in the bedroom.

Unfortunately, the disdain for the domestic has placed providing passionate, varied, and fulfilling sexual experiences for their men as well, not priority for American Black women.

Contrary to popular comic relief, all sex is not good sex. And, since there is no cultural imperative to teach and socialize Black American women by custom in the feminine arts of pleasing her man, as it is in Latin, African, Asian, and Middle-eastern cultures, far too many American women do not have a clue about how to please, cater to, and satisfy their man intimately and sexually. Good sex is a learned behavior. Merely having a vagina does not make one good in bed.

When Black men had few options for mates outside of American Black women the issue of sexual fulfillment might have taken a back sit. In previous times, men concentrated on careers and saw wives primarily as mothers of their children. However, since Black men have begun dating and marrying international women and experiencing greater sexual fulfillment and emotional support in their interactions with these women the grade D-minus sex that was acceptable from American Black women before probably will not cut if now for men who have received A++ sexual experiences from women of other cultures.

Frigid Black women who will not pillow talk, perform oral sex, kiss, or be comfortable sexually expressing themselves beyond the missionary position may not be an acceptable standard for Black men who have the resources to date and marry international women who have been socialized with a positive outlook to cater to and sexually satisfy their men as part of their cultural upbringing. And, sexual fulfillment is more than physiological gratification it also promotes healthy heart rates, restful sleep, as well as overall physical and emotional wellness for men.

Why Phat is Not Where It's At

Not withstanding the suggestions of super-plus size (size 24) actress Mo' Nique and her box offer failure, the movie, "Phat Girls", when it comes to successful men seeking a wife, fat is not were it's at.

Having an attractive woman as a wife is a boost to a man's status as well as his ego.
It gives a man psychic gratification. It bolsters his self-esteem and builds up his image to the outside world. And, among other men, it implies that "the brother's got game. He must be doing something right to have such a beautiful woman."

And, the higher a man's socio-economic status the more important it is for him to have an attractive, fit, and sexy wife who carries herself with class. So, it is not surprising that high-income doctors, lawyers, businessmen, entertainers, and pro athletes typically have stunningly beautiful wives. And, when you think about it, you rarely see a highly accomplished and successful man with an obese wife.

And, the converse is true. That is, a man who is involved with an overweight or obese woman is seen by other men as a loser. Someone who could not make the cut. And, truth be told, if the brother has any respect for himself then he is embarassed to be seen out in public with a woman who weighs more than he does.

According to Dr. Ian Smith of State Farm Insurance's 50 Million Pound Challenge and the U.S. Center for Health Statistics two-thirds of American Black women are either overweight or obese. And, the consequences for maintaining overweight or obese status is quite grave for these individuals with longterm chronic illness highly probably if these individuals maintain the excessive weights as they age.

So the epidemic of obesity among American Black women may be another factor that makes many of them unattractive to a large portion of Black men. Although some men have sex with obese women it may be more out of necessity rather than preference.

Most Black men do not want women who are a petite size 6 but we do love the fine, fit, and sexy size 10s. And, becoming indignant about Black men's lack of interest to be involved with 200-plus pound, out-of-shape, overweight women who are above size 18 is an unfair and unwarranted burden for Black women to impose on Black men.

For comparison, the average weight of a linebacker in the National Football League is 225lbs. Black men should not be made to feel guilty about not being interested in nor romantically dealing with women who think it acceptable to weigh more than a linebacker in the NFL. If American Black women refuse to keep themselves fit, sexy, and healthy for their men; then it is reasonable that Black men will seek to be with women of other cultures who keep themselves fit, healthy, and sexy for their men.

Maybe Men Are Not the Problem

So, maybe men are not the problem. Could it it be that American Black women's insistence on being "independent" to a fault rather than team players with their men is one reason for their difficulty in connecting with Black American men and forming lifelong marriages with them?

In addition, isn't it plausible that some of the anti-male bias of the feminist movement has trickled down to Black American women and has manifested itself in the recurring anthem, "I-don't-need-a-man" that has become such a common cliche' among American Black women and, as well, a turn off to some men?

Third, couldn't it also be true that American Black women's disdain for, indignation toward, and lack of desire to be domestic and cook for, cater to, and maintain a meticulous home for a husband and children be an additional factor that Black men are hesitant to make wives of the typical modern American Black woman?

Fourth. And, what about sex? Have American Black men grown tired of mediocre, milquetoast sexual experiences from American Black women who have not been raised in a culture that has taught their women to cater to and please her man as is the case for women in Latin, African, Asian, and Middle-eastern cultures?

Five. Has the epidemic of obesity among two-thirds of American Black women made them unattractive to Black men who have the financial resources to sustain productive families and households?

Finally, as blue-collar as well as professional Black men come to realize that they have international options to date and marry women from other cultures where women are socialized to cater to and focus on the husband and family as priority given American Black men the incentive to find and marry women who will satisfy their emotional and sexual needs as well as their desire to be respected, wanted, and needed by the woman they love?