Friday, July 10, 2009

Maybe Men Are Not the Problem

Marriage rates within the African-American community have declined substantially since the 1950s. In 1958, roughly 80% of Black families with children were headed by a married husband and wife. Today, less than 45% of Black families with children are headed by a married couple.

The conventional wisdom about the decline in marriage was focused on allegedly commitment-phobic men. However, maybe there are other issues specifically related to modern African-American women that are responsible for the decline. Issues like American Black women's insistence on being independent - and independent to a fault - rather than their being more open to being partners in long-term, healthy, "inter-dependent" relationships with their men. In addition, Black American women's passive acceptance of feminists ideas that narrowly focused them on the hot pursuit of careers and credentials moreso than on having a more balanced life that included husbands, children, and careers.

And, finally, the socialization of American Black women that promoted an indignation toward, and indifference to, and a lack of desire to develop domestic skills that would have them cooking for, catering to, and maintaining a meticulous home for a potential husband and children. One sign of the times is that many American Black women are learning how to cook and maintain a home as adults because their "independent", "don't-need-a-man" mothers reared them without requiring them to learn "homemaking" skills as teen girls.
And, some even taught their daughters to have disdain for men who would even expect such from a wife or girlfriend. Not a helpful thing to do if a culture wants it's women to find and keep good husbands.

So now, on holidays such as Thanksgiving, women in their 20s, 30s, and above are calling on their grandmothers and great aunts to learn how to cook turkey, candied yams, cornbread dressing, collard greens, sweet potate pie, and holiday cakes from scratch because their men want some good home cooking like they received from their mothers, grandmothers, and aunts. And, the lack of domesticity in regards to American Black women has not been limited to the kitchen; it has also shown up in the bedroom.

Unfortunately, the disdain for the domestic has placed providing passionate, varied, and fulfilling sexual experiences for their men as well, not priority for American Black women.

Contrary to popular comic relief, all sex is not good sex. And, since there is no cultural imperative to teach and socialize Black American women by custom in the feminine arts of pleasing her man, as it is in Latin, African, Asian, and Middle-eastern cultures, far too many American women do not have a clue about how to please, cater to, and satisfy their man intimately and sexually. Good sex is a learned behavior. Merely having a vagina does not make one good in bed.

When Black men had few options for mates outside of American Black women the issue of sexual fulfillment might have taken a back sit. In previous times, men concentrated on careers and saw wives primarily as mothers of their children. However, since Black men have begun dating and marrying international women and experiencing greater sexual fulfillment and emotional support in their interactions with these women the grade D-minus sex that was acceptable from American Black women before probably will not cut if now for men who have received A++ sexual experiences from women of other cultures.

Frigid Black women who will not pillow talk, perform oral sex, kiss, or be comfortable sexually expressing themselves beyond the missionary position may not be an acceptable standard for Black men who have the resources to date and marry international women who have been socialized with a positive outlook to cater to and sexually satisfy their men as part of their cultural upbringing. And, sexual fulfillment is more than physiological gratification it also promotes healthy heart rates, restful sleep, as well as overall physical and emotional wellness for men.

Why Phat is Not Where It's At

Not withstanding the suggestions of super-plus size (size 24) actress Mo' Nique and her box offer failure, the movie, "Phat Girls", when it comes to successful men seeking a wife, fat is not were it's at.

Having an attractive woman as a wife is a boost to a man's status as well as his ego.
It gives a man psychic gratification. It bolsters his self-esteem and builds up his image to the outside world. And, among other men, it implies that "the brother's got game. He must be doing something right to have such a beautiful woman."

And, the higher a man's socio-economic status the more important it is for him to have an attractive, fit, and sexy wife who carries herself with class. So, it is not surprising that high-income doctors, lawyers, businessmen, entertainers, and pro athletes typically have stunningly beautiful wives. And, when you think about it, you rarely see a highly accomplished and successful man with an obese wife.

And, the converse is true. That is, a man who is involved with an overweight or obese woman is seen by other men as a loser. Someone who could not make the cut. And, truth be told, if the brother has any respect for himself then he is embarassed to be seen out in public with a woman who weighs more than he does.

According to Dr. Ian Smith of State Farm Insurance's 50 Million Pound Challenge and the U.S. Center for Health Statistics two-thirds of American Black women are either overweight or obese. And, the consequences for maintaining overweight or obese status is quite grave for these individuals with longterm chronic illness highly probably if these individuals maintain the excessive weights as they age.

So the epidemic of obesity among American Black women may be another factor that makes many of them unattractive to a large portion of Black men. Although some men have sex with obese women it may be more out of necessity rather than preference.

Most Black men do not want women who are a petite size 6 but we do love the fine, fit, and sexy size 10s. And, becoming indignant about Black men's lack of interest to be involved with 200-plus pound, out-of-shape, overweight women who are above size 18 is an unfair and unwarranted burden for Black women to impose on Black men.

For comparison, the average weight of a linebacker in the National Football League is 225lbs. Black men should not be made to feel guilty about not being interested in nor romantically dealing with women who think it acceptable to weigh more than a linebacker in the NFL. If American Black women refuse to keep themselves fit, sexy, and healthy for their men; then it is reasonable that Black men will seek to be with women of other cultures who keep themselves fit, healthy, and sexy for their men.

Maybe Men Are Not the Problem

So, maybe men are not the problem. Could it it be that American Black women's insistence on being "independent" to a fault rather than team players with their men is one reason for their difficulty in connecting with Black American men and forming lifelong marriages with them?

In addition, isn't it plausible that some of the anti-male bias of the feminist movement has trickled down to Black American women and has manifested itself in the recurring anthem, "I-don't-need-a-man" that has become such a common cliche' among American Black women and, as well, a turn off to some men?

Third, couldn't it also be true that American Black women's disdain for, indignation toward, and lack of desire to be domestic and cook for, cater to, and maintain a meticulous home for a husband and children be an additional factor that Black men are hesitant to make wives of the typical modern American Black woman?

Fourth. And, what about sex? Have American Black men grown tired of mediocre, milquetoast sexual experiences from American Black women who have not been raised in a culture that has taught their women to cater to and please her man as is the case for women in Latin, African, Asian, and Middle-eastern cultures?

Five. Has the epidemic of obesity among two-thirds of American Black women made them unattractive to Black men who have the financial resources to sustain productive families and households?

Finally, as blue-collar as well as professional Black men come to realize that they have international options to date and marry women from other cultures where women are socialized to cater to and focus on the husband and family as priority given American Black men the incentive to find and marry women who will satisfy their emotional and sexual needs as well as their desire to be respected, wanted, and needed by the woman they love?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I don't agree with this article. First of all, what are the men doing for the women? After all, women are pushing out babies for the assholes, holding down careers, cooking and cleaning, and yes most of the black women that I know would love to get married, but will not be degraded to some sex kitten just because her male feels like she should do whatever he says or else he will find someone else. I say, get the stepping. What will happen once the couple get's old and can't have sex anymore? You need something a little more than good sex. It works both ways. More and more women now have demanding careers, while trying to raise kids. So again, I ask, what are the men doing for the woman? The men can learn how to cook as well. When men start treating women as the queens that they are, maybe some of the things mentioned can become a reality."